Last Days with Dad

At your bedside

Waiting for open eyes

Hoping for a smile

So little time left

I crawl into bed

I hold you like my child

The smell of your T-shirt

The familiar scent of my father

The ache in my heart grows

How much longer

Are you in pain

Can you hear me

What do you see

Angel choirs and Jesus enthroned

Or darkness, suffering, and longing

What do you feel

Hope and eternity

Or sadness and death

I sing hymns

Read favorite Scripture

Profess my love and gratitude

Will it be tonight

Will you awaken one last time

To say I love you, goodbye

Seven days without food

Seven days of palliative care

Seven days of quietness

I kiss your forehead

I hug your arms and chest

I even bathe you

I force your eyes open to see them one more time

Caribbean blue and beautiful

But with a frightening blank stare

This is real!

Dementia is giving way to death

No more bright smiles

When I enter the room

No more weakened efforts to arise

To give me a hug

A month ago

You stopped talking as much

Two weeks ago

You stopped walking

Last week

You stopped swallowing

Mom has cared for you to the end

Oh that the end

Was not so near

Tonight you are breathing so quickly

More morphine

More Ativan

More watching, waiting

Sleeplessly anticipating

I need sleep

Lying down I listen

To hear you breathe

I cannot sleep

Then it stops!

I race to your side

My brother gets our mom

We listen to you gasp for air

We wait for you to breathe again

Two more gasps

With my ear to your chest

Your heart slows

And then stops

It is finished

Pulseless and cool to touch

Your eyes do not react to light

Your eyes move like a doll’s

I am your physician

I pronounce your death

Time of death 22:56

Two days later

At your funeral

I am your son again

Broken and hurt

Sobbing, grieving

I cannot let go

The pain is too much

The aching empty void is so vast

Our Father in heaven

Welcomes you

How long until I see you again

Will you visit me in my dreams

Will time move on

Until the day comes

When I miss thinking of you

I miss you

I rejoice at the thought

Of Jesus’s embrace

But I miss you so much